Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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