Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
