last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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