were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
