I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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