Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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