Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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