just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
