the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
