He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
