I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Everclear isn't food dammit
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
