Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
