i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
