I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
