I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
