This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
