WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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