I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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