Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
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My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
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and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.