In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
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Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
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So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis