dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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