look no pants
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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