glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
