I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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