I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
