I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
