I seem to have left my pride at pride
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
