I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
