My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Enjoy the penises
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
