Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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