Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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