My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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