i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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