my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
