i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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