Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
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