i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
