You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
