What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
