i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
