Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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