Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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