apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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