After last night, I could never be a politician.
My cat gives me a boner
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
