she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
