I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
