There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
