The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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