So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Even the bartender felt bad for me
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
