i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
