Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
