id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
