So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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