I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
