In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Pooping to opera.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
