forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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