It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
