My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Randomize
