Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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