Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
