You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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