I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
