i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
